Nothing we ever had was special, to one of us
Nothing we did meant anything to her.
Not last year, not this year.
And I should’ve known, but hope makes you act in ridiculous ways.
Now I’m stuck here, forcing myself back to sleep again and again to not have to think about my love-hate relationship with love.
We held hands each time we went out. It felt odd when we were not.
I’ve always made plans for our dates and packed an extra hoodie or a jacket because she would get cold as the nights grew longer. I gave her mine in the beginning, but we would both be freezing sometimes.
So far we’ve been to an art gallery, the movies, a pool & spa that was more of an oasis of calm, a newly opened park and an Italian restaurant.
I was going to take us bowling, have a romantic little picnic, and go see a light show next, maybe a play too. But we were also spontaneous. I remember bringing her my piece of cake from this ceremony that I’d gone to.
She’d often give me short, sweet kisses on my face and on my neck, moments when I felt like the sun was in my chest. I would leave her kisses everywhere. I’d kiss her naked shoulders when we watched movies, lovingly kiss her on the head every time we met and I especially loved nuzzling our noses throughout the day.
We’ve slept together — not in the way you’re thinking but literally falling asleep together after laughing till sunrise. It was such a good sign, her feeling safe curled up in my arms, either in the backseat of my car or under my bed sheets. And it’d make me happy, seeing those big green eyes slowly doze off while I was either rubbing her back or playing with her blonde hair. She looked like an angel, a sight I wished I’d get used to. When I drove, she would use her short nails to gently scratch my head, which never failed to quiet my thoughts and put my heart at ease.
Was I wrong? Have I been delusional all along? When she said she only wanted to be friends yet we kept acting like a newlywed couple?
She said she likes me, she feels the connection and the physical attraction between us, and she gets butterflies every time we see each other, but it’s still simply not enough.
When I tried to kiss her last night, while we were cuddling on the couch in her living room, she told me she’s got feelings for someone else.
☔ Here, have this umbrella for a rainy day. If you would like to support me, please share my story with your friends and loved ones.