Life has presented me with too many choices, and I don’t know which one I should stick to.
If you were to look at my path right now, I think it’d look a lot like a harvester that every now and then steered off into the woods and then swerved back into the open field. The tire marks have left behind lines impossible to trace, like a little boy’s crayons on a crowded piece of paper.
And just like that little boy, it feels like I’m always back to square one, with every blank piece of paper a complete, new beginning. I’m too carried away to notice, to see all the progress that I’ve made so far.
Writing this, however, has helped me realize that reality sits different.
I can see that I’ve gotten much better at writing. I can express myself in such a way that is unique and truly remarkable to me. I see how I meticulously pick the photos that indulge my words, and how I come up with the rhymes my paragraphs make when I read them a hundred times over inside my head.
I’m more comfortable when streaming and I’m more committed to the games I play, as well as the things I set my mind to. I worry less about the outcome and more about right now. I try harder each time I fail, even if my thoughts are, most of the time, competing with each other in total disarray.
I haven’t given up on training. I can do more pushups than I ever have and squat and pull even if a messy ankle sprain tried to take it all away one night last summer, in an otherwise pleasant, carefree football game. In the blink of an eye, I could barely walk, let alone sprint or lift again.
And I see that, even though she hasn’t shown up yet, I still think about the ways I’m going to make her happy. I’m fine by my own, but we’ll be so much more fulfilled together, either one of us no longer alone.
I write, I stream, I train, I stress too much about sharing it online, wishing for as many people to see and love me for who I am, only to fear the pressure that will come from trying to never disappoint them.
Maybe I'm not sure about what I want to do right now, not because I’ve got no choice, but because I’m afraid I’ve got too many.
Maybe I can turn all them roads into a beautiful forest path, with oak trees, lakes, white swans on my left, roses, bushes, a tended garden, scissor pairs wielded by my gorgeous wife next to the cottage and the shed, every now and then fine hotel towels, romantic getaways, volley nets, our toes playing in the sand, before us, a burning sunset that dips into the ocean, the life that I wish for I hope is not too far ahead.
☔ Here, have this umbrella for a rainy day. If you would like to support me, please share my story with your friends and loved ones.