Thinking Traps and How to Counter Them
The most powerful lesson positive psychology has taught me.
Your thinking habits drive the way you interpret your current situations.
It's not the trigger or the event that determines what we feel and what we do. It's what we say to ourselves, our beliefs, and our thoughts about the situation that impacts how we feel, what we do, and even our physiology.
The five most common thinking traps
1. Mind reading
assuming what the other person is thinking, and usually that they're thinking negatively of you
expecting another person to know exactly what you're thinking, which can further lead to even more miscommunication
2. Me
believing that you're the sole cause of every problem
(thinking it's all your fault will lead to feeling guilt and disappointment, sometimes even feeling down and isolating ourselves)
3. Them
you believe other people or circumstances are the sole cause of your problems (this leads to a lot of anger and aggression)
4. Catastrophizing
wasting critical energy ruminating, going around and around and around on the irrational worst case of a situation
(this blocks us from taking any action and it is caused by overestimating the threat and underestimating our abilities to cope. It ultimately leads to anxiety.)
5. Helplessness
thinking that something is going to impact all areas of your life and that you have no control, it's global and it's stable
(thinking bad things are here to stay and they will ruin every domain, every aspect of your life. This leads to passivity, withdrawal, and giving up.)
Examples of each thinking trap
Mind reading
e.g. “I bet they think I am a terrible partner because I was late to our appointment this one time. They’ll think I’m not serious about them.”
e.g. “They should know that I am upset, I’ve made it so obvious. Do they really not care about me at all?”
Me
e.g. “He/she is slowly losing interest in us. It’s all my fault, I will never be good enough.”
Them
e.g. “When I get home, dinner is never ready. It's not even being prepared. The house is always a mess too. I am tired from work, so why can't my significant other just do more? If she did, we would have no more problems.”
Catastrophizing
e.g. “We’ve just had a very intense argument. I think our marriage is going to end because couples are not supposed to fight like that. I was going to apologize, but what’s the point now? He will never talk to me again. His parents will hate me, everyone is going to know what happened, and I am going to feel awful for the rest of my life.”
Helplessness
e.g. “This date didn’t work out really well. I will never find someone who’s right for me, and it will make me miserable and I will fail at school and fall into depression. I won’t be able to do anything anymore. Nothing good ever happens to me.”
Strategies (Real-Time Resilience)
1. Evidence
When you start hearing the thinking trap, use data to prove to yourself why that thought is not true. Make the data vivid, create the picture.
Sentence starter: ”That’s not true because…”
2. Reframe
Reframe the way you’re perceiving the situation, use optimism.
Sentence starters: “A more helpful way to see this…”, “A better way to see this is…”
3. Plan
By creating a plan, we can take a breath, relax a little, and we can go into the situation feeling more prepared.
Sentence starter: “If x happens, I will y.”
Examples of counterproductive thoughts and real-time resilience strategies
e.g. “I was so bad this match… I wish I could have done more, I feel like I let my team down. I will probably be kicked out of the club before I even know it.”
(Me, Catastrophizing thinking traps)
Real-time resilience: A different way to see this is that the outcome of a match is not only my responsibility. Even if I give my best out there, we can still lose sometimes. And even if I do not perform at my best once, I am consistently good. (Reframe, Evidence strategies)
e.g. “Oh, no, I forgot to send that last email today. My colleague will probably think I do not work enough, she will send word to our manager and a lot of bad things will follow.” (Mind reading, Catastrophizing thinking traps)
Real-time resilience: That’s not true because I usually send all the work I have to do as soon as possible. Everyone else is busy too so they probably won’t even notice if something is not done right away. I need to relax a little more.
(Evidence strategy)
e.g. “My friends are always busy with other things. It’s their fault we don’t go out that often. I am stuck inside, which is making me incredibly sad and bored. I hate my friends.”
(Them thinking trap)
Real-time resilience: If I really wanted to go out, I could. I could go for a walk or for a coffee somewhere. And besides, when my friends invite me out, sometimes I’m the one who’s busy and has to decline. We all have responsibilities, but that doesn’t mean we don’t care about each other.
(Reframe strategy)
e.g. “If I don’t get invited to this course, everything in my life will go downhill. My partner will think less of me and my friends and family will think I’m a fraud. My other grades will suffer too.”
(Helplessness thinking trap)
Real-time resilience: Good things take time, and the best opportunities I ever had always came when I least expected them. If this one doesn’t work out, I will apply to the other ones that seemed interesting.
(Evidence, plan strategy)
☔ Here, have this umbrella for a rainy day. If you would like to support me, please share my story with your friends and loved ones.