What could have been
A touching story about love, memories and the past.
After all the things that happen in a day, night eventually falls and the voice I struggle to keep shut finally makes itself at home.
When my room goes dark and my phone goes down, the carousel of thoughts springs to life.
Do I embrace the lights or run away?
Pearly-white doves are the thoughts that gather ‘round.
Some obsess about what I’m going to be doing tomorrow, while others make me ruminate about what could’ve been.
Needless to say, falling asleep is rather difficult when your mind has just unlocked the gates for the park’s grand opening.
The crowd storms in without hesitation.
One of the stands already has a queue too long to be eyed, and it seems to be the “Scenarios about the perfect life”.
“We’ll soon be running out of popcorn on this one”, says the man in charge to his lovely madam.
“Take it easy, people! There’s enough for everyone!”
Right across, there’s stand number two, “Unfinished conversations”, where things seem to have gotten a little heated for Charlotte:
“If you wanted to, you would! There’s no reasonable excuse for what you have done, and to do it so cowardly too. Ugh, I’m done with you and your lies. I wish you a happy life, just like you wish for it to be. With or without me.”
A young girl picks up the fluffy sheep that Charlotte had won but dropped behind when she stormed off.
Bewildered and with innocent eyes, she starts chasing after her.
“Waaait!”
The next attraction is certainly unique. “The past” is the town’s famous Ferris wheel, which is rumoured to have been built by a fairy and is the main piece the park was built around.
It is also commonly believed that it can take people back in time and then back into the present, though very few people have witnessed it.
Charlotte wakes up in one of the cabins at the top. Wearied from the argument, she wipes her dried-out tears.
“Shouldn’t I have been over it by now? I’ve moved on, but I haven’t forgotten a single thing. Lucky are the people who go through suffering and have their consciousness black it all out”, she says to herself, still a bit sleepy.
“Things ended, and what was once a lifetime committed to partnership got severed in half. It’s not my business what other people do with their lives, so why do I remember every single person I have met? Why do I still think about them sometimes? Why does my mind have to carry so much luggage?”
She pauses to catch her breath…
“My biggest fear has always been losing my memory, so I guess I was deemed strong enough to get exactly what I wanted. Now I’ve got to learn how to live with it, like the Joker lives with his chaotic nature and Anna Marie has to live with the memories of those she touches.”
“I wish all the people in my past the best. Thank you for teaching me all the lessons that you’ve taught me. Our memories will stay with me, safe and sound. I share no hard feelings.”
“Ahh!” Charlotte jumps, just like you would jump if you saw a spider, when she gets the sudden realization there was someone next to her. But she quickly calms down when she sees the young girl.
“I didn’t mean to scare you”, her voice reassured.
“No, no, how could you? I’m sorry…I thought I was alone. I don’t even know how long I’ve been here. Did I say any of that out loud? I didn’t mean t-”
“It’s okay”, she kindly smiles. “You know, remembering people isn’t a bad thing. It would be worrying if you didn’t remember. Would you rather forget someone who meant something to you? What kind of person would that make you?”
The girl then rests her head on the woman’s lap and starts pointing at the sky.
“Aren’t they lovely?”
Charlotte follows the big caramel eyes.
“The stars were here before us and they will be here long after we’re gone too. I remember how bright they were the first night I got here. They looked just as they do now. I wanted to capture the moment and get closer to them, and now everyone else can get closer too.”
“Would you like to know a secret?” asked the eyes impossible to turn down.
“The wheel carefully picks who stops at the top, and it also carefully picks which cabin you get into. You see, nothing is left to chance. No matter how many times you come back here and reignite your memories, they will always remain just that, memories. It’s okay to look back at your past because, without the past, none of us would be who we are today. Just…don’t…stare.”
“What if the past has made me scared to love again? What if—what if I keep running from something that I want so bad? What if I’m making all the wrong choices and doing all the wrong things?”
The stars begin to reflect brighter and brighter in the young girl’s eyes, who remains quiet for a tiny bit of time.
“You will know exactly how to do something the moment you do it and not a moment before. I give you my word.”
Charlotte breaks her gaze and looks away into the sky, thinking about what the girl had just said.
The wheel soon starts turning again, but when she looks down, the only thing standing in her lap is the fluffy sheep she had left behind.
☔ Here, have this umbrella for a rainy day. If you would like to support me, please share my story with your friends and loved ones.